Dear John and Sam-what I want you to know about marriage and sex

I’ve had it on my heart to write about marriage and sex for quite some time, but I’ve never known quite how to do it.  It’s so controversial and there are such varying opinions.  I am a pretty opinionated person, but never one that likes to offend so I usually keep quiet about my own opinions except on my soap box in my own home.  I have also only been married for 6 years and 11 months so I guess I’ve got lots of learning to do on the subject as well.  I’m not a marital expert so forgive me as I speak with the authority of the ignorant.

So here goes.  I’ve decided to write to John and Sam about what I hope they will learn about sex and marriage from our family.  You never know…this might help if I end up in a catatonic state or something from dealing with the horrors of nap time at my home.

My dearest John and Sam,

Your dad and I have been speaking to a group of teenagers at a retreat every year for the last ten years on the topic of marriage and sex.  When we first started, the teens still seemed as though they thought sex was a bit taboo.  Most were not having it (although they definitely wanted to) and were very open to discussions about why it might be important to postpone it.  Fast forward to the last couple of years, and they look at us like we have six heads.  Not only does sex mean nothing, casual sex is starting to be the norm.  Instead of asking questions like “how far is too far?” they are asking where to get help for a porn addiction.  I am beyond nervous about how much worse this progression can get before you join the ranks of teenagerhood.

So this is what I want you to know:

    You are not an animal.  Do not let anyone degrade you into thinking that you cannot have the self control to make good choices.  Yes! You can say no.  You can say no to sex, alcohol, drugs, cheating, stealing, defacing public property, and whatever else your friends are doing.  I know that you will stumble and I do not expect you to be perfect, but I will never allow you to believe that you are without a soul and the God given ability to discern right from wrong.  Do not listen to people when they tell you otherwise.  Self discipline will take you farther than you can ever imagine.  It is the difference in ordinary people and those who do great things.  So yes…you are a teenager, but you are not an animal.  You have “drives” but they do not have to define your decision making skills.  

   In our family, we believe sex is for marriage.  And I know, marriage feels forever away and sex seems like it would be better experienced now, but that is what we want for you.  This is becoming an antiquated belief.  In fact, people often laugh out loud if they ever find out that your dad and I still believe this (and have lived it), but that’s not what matters.  What matters is that sex is not just a physical act.  It’s an emotional and spiritual one that cannot be experienced fully outside of the vows of marriage.  There is no truth outside of this.  You may form your own opinions about this along the way, but don’t be afraid to return to this truth.  As they say, it will always set you free.  (This is mostly spiritual, but this will also save you from having to tell every person you’re intimate with that you have herpes.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.) 

   Discern your vocation.  We Catholics believe there are three vocations (the religious life, the married life, and the single life).  The married life is not the default vocation.  The world seems to think it is, but clearly marriage is not for everyone.  We always say to teens to choose the vocation that allows you to bring the most love into this world.  For your dad and I, marriage was it.  We love to talk to young people about marriage and we love to give the world you two precious boys in hopes that you leave it better than you found it.  Decide what is right for you based on that.  How can you bring the most love into this world?  Maybe that’s through parenthood.  Maybe that’s through moving to Africa and building orphanages.  Or maybe that’s through becoming the first North American Pope like we joke about.  

   And if you do choose marriage, don’t believe everything you see and read.  I am flabbergasted at the divorce rate in our country and the depiction of love in the media.  While your dad and I are so lucky to be warm fuzzy in love with each other, we both know that we wake up every day with a choice to love one another and that is the love that sustains marriages.  Warm fuzzies get hot and they get cold and sometimes they even get lukewarm, but that is not what matters.  Just like ole Pete the Cat (remember him?) says “buttons come and buttons go, but do we cry? Goodness no! We just keep on singing.”  Well I would rewrite it to say “fuzzies come and fuzzies go, but we just keep on choosing.”  Marriage is about waking up everyday and saying I know you’re not perfect and neither am I, but today I choose you.  True love that keeps married couples married would be FAR to boring to make a movie about.  What would be entertaining about watching your dad mow the grass after he’s worked 12 hours?  Or what would be exciting about watching me stay up after you two are in bed to catch up with dad even though I know Sam will be waking me up as soon as my head hits the pillow?  This is not the stuff of movies or romance novels.  Nope.  This is the really sexy stuff.  The stuff of commitment and hard work and the completely unglamorously beautiful family life.  Please take your cues from people who have been married for many years and still laugh everyday and not from Hollywood.  

   Lastly, if all else fails, just remember respect.  There is so much more I would like to say on this topic, but I know that you lost focus three paragraphs ago so I will wrap this up.  When all else fails, choose respect.  Make the decision that respects God, your family, your friends, your body, but most importantly, your soul.  You will have your own ideas and your own world view, but I believe respect will fall into it no matter what you choose.  Give yourself the gift of a life that leaves you proud of who you see in the mirror.  If you can do that, you’re doing just fine.

Constantly praying for you,

Mama

   

The struggle is real.

I find myself writing a lot about the struggles of motherhood, but that is the life I’m entrenched in at the moment so it’s where my mind is now.  Personally, my life always feels like a scale tipping from one side back to the other while trying to find the right balance of taking care of myself and those around me.  For moments, my scale feels centered and right, but it doesn’t take much to tip me back in another direction.

I think this is true for most moms, but I didn’t realize the extent to how truly universal this feeling was until I saw a movie.

Yep.

A movie.

And that movie just so happened to be Bears.

We got to the movie a few minutes late so I wasn’t totally sure of what the plot line was going to be.  As we sat and watched I started to figure out this entire movie was going to be about a mama bear with two cubs who had to try to find enough food to prepare for hibernation and keep her milk supply up through the winter while also caring for her cubs and protecting them from the many dangers in the wild.

That in and of itself was not what got me.  It was watching her try to navigate this conflict.  She couldn’t do what the other bears did and just go to the nearest stream with fish because she would have to leave her cubs unattended on the shore and some other hungry bear/wolf/mean guy (as John calls them) might eat them.  She also HAD to eat or her cubs would die.  At one point, she found what she thought was a safe spot and went to eat and didn’t even get a single fish before a wolf started to encroach on her cubs and she had to immediately return to protect them.  

I sat there watching her and I felt myself relating to her, and then I totally felt weird for relating to a bear in the wild.  But seriously.  The struggle is real.  It’s universal.  We’re all trying to figure it out.  Where all trying to figure out how to keep ourselves running without leaving our kids on the shore unprotected right?

I have a few friends that I think are 100% confident in their life decisions.  They are working moms who feel so good about working and giving their kids the gift of social interaction and healthy separation.  They are stay-at-home moms who feel like there is no other decision that would work for them, and they are so at peace with how their children are being raised.  

I am neither.  I am this bear.  I am always struggling with finding the balance.  I am all too well acquainted with the tug of war of motherhood.  Do I stay or do I go?  Am I fostering independence or am I creating dependence?  I am hungry but unable to walk away.

In the end, the mama bear found The Golden Pond.  She somehow knew instinctively that she had to go there.  When she finally found it, it was such a relief to me.  The Golden Pond was teeming with salmon and lots of other mama bears who welcomed her in and let her feast in peace with her cubs playing and eating nearby.  It was so beautiful to see this community in the wild.  It was a place she could let her hair down.  

And so there you have it.  We’re The Golden Pond.  A community of moms who welcome in the new ones with open arms and say “sit.  Take care of yourself for a minute.  Your kids will be fine.  I’ve been there.  I know how tired you are.  I know how much you need some refreshment.” 

The struggle is real for all of us.  Motherhood is the toughest of all of life’s tests, but I find it much more bearable in the shade of other women.  New mothers, veteran mothers, grandmothers.  Such a beautiful network of hope, guidance, and peace.  My own personal Golden Pond.  

Thank you to all of those in my life who help me to find a resting place.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I feel like that super thin mama bear trying to keep her kids fed and safe while getting thinner and more exhausted by the day, but you’re always there to tip my scale back in the other direction.

And how grateful I am.

Easter 2014!

I felt more surprised by Easter this year than any other year.  It was Ash Wednesday.  I blinked.  It was Easter.  Or at least that is what it felt like to me.

It never fails that Matt is on a heavy rotation during Easter, but he actually had Easter Sunday off this year.  Rounded on Saturday, but was off ALL DAY on Sunday.  I think that was a first for us since his second year of medical school.

At the spur of the moment last week, I invited a few people over to dye and hunt Easter eggs at our house.  Nothing fancy, but just a low key play date.  Several of John’s friends’ parents have had little ones so what used to be a small play date grew into a play date with 5 toddlers and preschoolers and 5 infants.  Now that’s a party!

 It was pretty much chaos, but a change from the norm is always nice.  Please note that my child is the only one that was shirtless and wearing a belt across his chest as an accessory.

He’s a character.

Sweet Ollie wasn’t quite old enough to dye eggs, but he’s getting a jump start as a golfer.

Had to capture this one.  The two chief residents’ sons seem to be following their dads’ lead.

Saturday after Matt finished working, we hopped in the car and headed to St. Petersburg to spend Easter with my dad, stepmom, and sis.  Saturday they had plans to go to the Jimmy Buffett concert (lucky them!) so we spent some quality time with my sister, Callynn.

And by quality time, I mean milkshakes. 😉  Yumm!  

 We also did some Easter egg dying.

 And some Easter egg dye cleaning after a pretty epic spill.  Who leaves me in charge anyway right?

Sunday we drug these kiddos to 8 am mass.  Sam was sleeping so peacefully that I didn’t want to wake him up for a picture in his church clothes. 😦  It was hard to live without the picture, but we had a busy day ahead of us so I’ll survive.

 Apparently great minds think alike? 

We did some Easter egg hunting around the house and checked out the Easter loot, and then we changed clothes to get ready for the big game!

My dad was asked to throw the first pitch at the Rays vs Yankees game, and as soon as we found it, we knew we had to find a way to be there.  Definitely didn’t feel like a traditional Easter Sunday, but it was one that I will always remember and cherish.  I was so happy we were able to see him make the big pitch!  I wish I could tell you why he was asked, but he’s too humble to explain.  I think it was because he’s a super great surgeon, war veteran, and a great community member, but there’s probably some fancy schmancy story that I wasn’t told about as well.

This dern camera man decided to walk right in front of us, but check out that pitch!  I hear it was a pretty dern good throw from those who know about throwing.

Somebody sweet also cut his first tooth this day!  Ha.  It’s just barely come through but you can feel it.

 We all had a blast, but I think John enjoyed himself the most.  I told Matt that I worry about him going to college because no one loves a party/game/social situation more than John.  He is all in I tell you.  

Here he is sleeping in his jersey.

And here he is today playing cowboy baseball player.  

I’m pretty sure the jersey just became a wardrobe staple.

Happy Easter to you and yours!  Hope it was amazing.  I’m not sure it was my most fruitful lent of all because I’m sleep deprived and I think everything feels a bit like a blur right now, but it never fails that Easter feels like a cool drink of water on a hot day.  It’s just refreshing to celebrate a God who lives.  I heard this song on Saturday when I was going through my annual mental shaming for not getting enough out of lent and it spoke to me (yes I know…I’m a world class Catholic with the guilt thing).

Because I will need this again.

Life can feel difficult recently, but little moments can redirect my heart and so I thought I should write those moments down.

Why does life feel difficult you ask?  Well rationally I know it’s because Matt is working a heavy rotation right now and after a few weeks of those I start to wear down.  I lose my optimism and my patience, and it becomes hard to remember the sunshine in the rain.

So I find myself bogged down in the dust mites of motherhood.  Should I sleep train Sam?  I should probably not nurse him to sleep because I know it’s what leaves him waking up all night for more.  I should probably not sleep train though because that feels so barbaric.  And why is John so precious one moment and a complete psychopath the next?  And why is three such a challenging age?  And what am I doing wrong that makes this feel so hard sometimes? And somehow this same old tape plays for me…you’re not good at this.  You’re not good at this. You’re not good at this.

I wish this were not true about myself.  I wish that I were a little more level headed when things get rough, but the truth is I always second guess myself as a mother.  I always think that perhaps my kids would be better off if I went back to work because let’s face it, when you stay home with your children, some days are picnics on the beach full of laughter and joy and some are “oh my goodness, I just need to run in the bank without puke stains, a screaming baby, and a preschooler saying ‘mom watch this’ over and over and over again while I try to deposit a check” days.  Some days are hard.  Some days leave you drained.  And for me, some days leave me wondering what am I even doing anyway.

I admit it.  I’ve been in a bit of a slump, but I’m coming around.  Yesterday Matt was telling John and I the name of the new residents and said that one was named John and one Jennifer, and I jokingly said to John that we were going to be residents next year! My totally exhausting, but precious little boy looked at me so seriously and said “no way! God made you to be my mommy and not a resident.”  I sort of laughed him off in the moment as I always do because he is notorious for saying hysterical things, but the words sort of resonated with me.  All day today they have been playing through my mind. God made you to be my mommy and not a resident. Although there are some families who do it, it is mostly true that both parents can’t live a resident life style.  Matt is a resident right now and God chose me to be John and Sam’s mommy, and thanks to John that means a lot more today than it did yesterday because no matter how much I feel like I’m screwing it up sometimes, there is a little boy in our home who needs me to be his mommy.

And as if that sweet moment wasn’t enough, today as we were getting ready for John’s nap he said he really wanted to read that book about the girl who picks up the boy.  It took me forever, but I finally figured out he meant I’ll Love You Forever.  So John finished his homily to me today with asking me to rock him in his chair and sing him,

“I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

My baby you’ll be.”

Clouds shifted.  Sun appeared.  My heart remembered.  It was time for extra snuggles and lots of love, but mostly, it was time for not being so hard on myself.  Time to remember that it truly is about love and not about sleep training or perfecting positive reinforcement when your patience is thin.  Those things matter, but not if you’ve forgotten how to love in a big way.  Not if you’re just going through the motions.

So that’s my new focus.  Remember how to love really, really big and the rest will work out.  

(I mean…I think…Sam will sleep eventually right?)

Some pinspiration in case you also need it.

Relax.  I can do this.

Farm Trip and a Disney Return!

Two totally different experiences, but both surprisingly wonderful.

The farm that we like to go to to pick strawberries sent out an email this week saying that they were going to do hay rides through the orange groves on Saturday, and I can’t pass up a hay ride on a farm.  I have no idea why, but I seriously love a trip to the farm.  This particular farm is family owned and operated and every trip there I feel blessed for having made the trip.  Always such a reminder of the power and beauty of nature and our God.

What I didn’t know is that the orange trees were covered with orange blossoms and they apparently only last for one week hence the idea to do a hay ride through the orange groves on that Saturday.  It is an experience I won’t forget.  If you ever get a chance to visit an orange grove while it has blossoms, do it! Not only are they beautiful, but they smell like heaven.  You are just overwhelmed with this lovely smell as soon as you get near them.  I also learned that only 2% of the blossoms will become oranges and that the tree naturally aborts the blossoms and later the smaller oranges so that it doesn’t carry more weight than it can sustain.  Quite interesting to me!

After the hay ride we picked a few strawberries and got the world’s most delicious fresh squeezed orange juice.  I also just so happened to make a dairy free/soy free strawberry pie with the strawberries and ate half of it in one sitting.  (Whoops!) It was the first dessert I could eat in awhile and it was amazing.

Love these two more than I can say.  My heart could burst.

 Had no clue that’s how an onion grew?

A very pregnant goat.

 Pulling into the orange grove.

 Love the man driving this tractor.  He is the funniest, nicest farmer around.

 You can’t really see them in this picture, but the bees were all over these blossoms.  Normally I don’t love to be around bees, but it was neat to see them working these trees.

Sampling the strawberries!

Sam too. 😉

Matt has accused me of being the only person in the world who frequents any place west of the interstate in a beach town, but what can I say?  I love a farm.  And fresh squeezed orange juice.

And then on Sunday while Matt worked all day long, we texted back and forth about what we should do on his day off the next day.  He had worked his tail off all week (which means I was working mine off at home…we prefer having big daddy around! Sheesh!), and he said he really wanted to get out of town and go do something fun.  We have been forsaking renewing our Disney passes because we’ve been trying so hard to be responsible adults, but we decided it was time.  Sam was old enough and we weren’t AS broke as we have been so we did it.  We bought our passes and went back to Disney! We surprised John Monday morning when he was getting dressed.  We said “we’re going to the happiest place on Earth John.  Where do you think we’re going?!”  and darling boy said “We’re going to heaven!!”  Hahahaha….oh goodness.  He was just as excited about going to Disney World thankfully!

Disney was amazing.  Weather was great.  Lines were doable.  Sam was so easy and cooperative.  It felt so good to be back.  I had forgotten what a joy it is to watch John’s eyes light up.  This trip we covered so much of Magic Kingdom and spent  A LOT of time meeting characters.  John loves to meet the characters most of all so we just went with it this trip.

 We’re baaaacccckkk! Sam’s first trip to Disney!

When we first got there I think John was overwhelmed and spent some time doing this.  Pouting.  At Disney.  Luckily it didn’t take long for him to come around!

First stop the Swiss Family Robinson Tree house! Not sure if I’ve mentioned that John has become a fan of reading these condensed classics that we have at night before bed (well we read them to him…he’s not that good).  He and Matt just finished Swiss Family Robinson so he was SO excited to get to see the tree house.  Sweetboy.

Checking it out!

Blue hats!  Sam had to wear this silly get up because he’s not old enough for sunscreen.  Maybe a clue that he shouldn’t be at Disney World? Nah.

Watching Jack Sparrow in the little show in front of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  He was loving it!  And Sam tolerated the ride so well despite there being that drop in the beginning.  Maybe because he nursed through the whole thing.  If he has his gals, he could handle almost anything.

 Almost a decent family pic.  Please excuse my jean cut offs.  They’re the only shorts that fit at the moment.  Baby weight is slowly coming off, but I may have to splurge on a pair of shorts here soon since we live in Florida. 

Rode Peter Pan, It’s a Small World, Little Mermaid, and Winnie the Pooh this trip! Not too shabby for April.

John’s favorite thing.  He was so star struck meeting THE REAL BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!

 To infinity and beyond!

 When we walked away he cried a little because he forgot to tell Buzz that he has his toy.  Poor guy.

 Picture from the buzz ride.  Please look at Matt manning the children while I was trying to get some points.  Shame on me. 

His beloved People Mover.

 The Incredibles Dance Party!  We got down!

It was an amazing day for sure.  Can’t wait to go back!

Happy 5 months Sam!

Sam has had several big changes since his 4 months post!  He’s growing up so fast!
At 5 months Sam is:

* Guessing somewhere around 18 lbs since he was 17.5 lbs last week at the doctor after throwing up for a day straight
* Wearing 6-9 months, but mostly fitting great in 9 months clothing
* Still on Zantac and I’m still dairy free AND soy free now (the last post I had chronicled the soy saga, but I am officially soy free for 24 hours now.  I thought I would be fine by just avoiding most soy and having a little but it seems the soy formula incident may have made Sam a little more intolerant to soy than he was before hand. So after a trip to the health foods store yesterday, I am officially dairy free and soy free!  If I were having to do this for myself, I think I would complain all the time, but it’s worth it for this little guy to feel good.  Doesn’t even cross my mind that much.  Thank you Lord for the insanity that is motherly instincts.)
* Eating whenever he wants (this is still true.  With everything going on with this poor guy, he eats when he wants and I have no energy to do anything else.  We did try sweet potatoes a few weeks ago and then we had to try pears to counteract the sweet potatoes. Since the soy incident we’ve laid off of foods, but we’ll try squash again once things seem to settle.  I have a good bit of homemade baby food in the freezer so it’s there whenever we decide to go down that road again.  And I must say…I thought making baby food was an ordeal so I never thought about trying it, but I did for Sam’s first few foods despite being overwhelmed by the idea, and it was nothing.  Totally easy and totally cheap. Hooray!)
* Loves to sleep when we’re on the go, but does not love to lay in his rock and play and sleep by day.
* Wearing size 3 diapers
* Is all smiles and giggles (Sam is a totally smiley baby.  He will smile at anyone at anytime.  He is also in that sweet giggling and squealing phase as well.)
* Sleeps in our room in the rock and play and is swaddled up tight at night (this is also still true at 3 4 5 months.  I would love to move him to his room, but he still can’t lay flat without spitting up some so we’re upright for now.  He sleeps terribly at night but I’m hoping that will change once we’re soy free for a little while.  Surely…he’s been up every 1.5 or 2 for several nights in a row.)
* Loves his mobile, play mat, teething toys.  He really plays some now which is precious.
* Mostly likes the car these days.  
* Doesn’t mind tummy time because he’s rolling over from front to back these days.  
* Still won’t take a pacifier unless he’s in the car and furious about it 
* Is reaching and grabbing for every thing (especially food!)
* Can sit in his bumbo seat and his high chair and is doing little sit ups if he’s propped up against something to try to sit up.
* Still acting like he’s teething but with no swollen gums or anything yet
* Has some crazy hair going on (he has new hair coming in and old really long hair falling out.  It looks a little odd at close inspection)
* Still adores his big brother (maybe more than the rest of us)* Is the sweetest 

Big 4 months moments:  -rolling over from tummy to back, finding our feet, and trying foods!

 Can’t have him propped up like last month.  Sam did a nosedive because he wants to sit up!

 The cuteness is too much right?

Being just like big brother! 

And a few more videos:

He LOVES his brother.  Anything he does!

Happy 5 months big boy!!